


He Was Certain (I Was Not)

by thesoundofnat



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alcohol, Self-Doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-27
Updated: 2018-02-27
Packaged: 2019-03-24 21:26:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13819761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesoundofnat/pseuds/thesoundofnat
Summary: “So how come mama Vulcan sent you to bed?”Jim snorted out a laugh. “Am I really one to try to understand a Vulcan’s logic? And a mama one at that?”“I mean, I know you said you were unfocused, but I guess what I’m trying to figure out is why you were unfocused.”(Or, Jim doubts his own intelligence and seeks Bones out for some familiarity.)





	He Was Certain (I Was Not)

Jim was intelligent, but he certainly knew you wouldn’t find a picture of him next to the word in an old fashioned dictionary. He was fine with that. Knew he had other qualities that redeemed him and made him an apt candidate to give commands on a ship.

But he had bad days, and he had insecure days, and sometimes those days just so happened to be one day, and that was a day where he locked himself in his quarters as soon as his duties were over.

He wasn’t going to allow that to happen that day.

Peeking into Medbay, he found Bones alone, although not at all close to packing up and going to bed. Spock had practically ordered Jim to leave the Bridge. Something about being too exhausted to think clearly. For once Jim felt grateful for the Vulcan’s observance.

Even though Jim wasn’t tired, he couldn’t deny that his mind had been elsewhere. He announced his presence easily when he entered, and Bones turned to him with an unimpressed look.

“How on Earth did you manage to hurt yourself enough to be sent here by force? Because I wouldn’t in a million years believe you came here by yourself.”

“I did, in fact, come here by myself,” Jim said, taking a seat on the patient bed closest to his friend. “But I’m not hurt. I was sent away due to my inability to focus. Spock didn’t say that, of course, but I know he thought it.”

“Ah. And you decided that coming here to bother me was the best way to spend your suddenly free evening?”

Jim shot him a grin. “You know me well, Bones.”

Bones snorted. “If you intervene I will kick you out.”

“I’ll wait in silence, I promise.”

“Why not just wait in your room?”

“Because I have a date with a bottle and I’m not exactly keen on meeting with it alone just yet.”

Bones tilted his head. “You okay?”

“Relatively.”

“But?”

“But not entirely. This is me following your orders to seek you out when I need the company.”

Bones didn’t push. Didn’t ask to know the details of what was going on. He only finished up his work quicker than he probably would’ve had Jim not been in the room, and grabbed his things and left the area just as Chapel arrived for her night shift. They walked toward Jim’s quarters in silence, but it wasn’t an awkward one. Both were simply lost in thought.

“So I might have more than one bottle, and I’ll give you the honor of picking tonight.”

Bones picked quickly and easily, and only a moment later they were sitting at the table with a glass each, the bottle sitting between them with a promise to be empty by the time Jim went to bed.

He downed his first glass, not realizing how much he’d needed it until the liquid had touched his lips. Bones was slower, but Jim reckoned it was mostly because he knew Jim would probably need him in a few glasses when he would start spilling every secret in his heart.

They’d done this a million times before.

“So how come mama Vulcan sent you to bed?”

Jim snorted out a laugh. “Am I really one to try to understand a Vulcan’s logic? And a mama one at that?”

“I mean, I know you said you were unfocused, but I guess what I’m trying to figure out is why you were unfocused.”

“Now that’s a question.”

“And I would like an answer. Eventually.”

“You’re not gonna force it out of me?”

“No. But just know I’m waiting with my palms up.”

“Always greedy.”

“Always willing,” Bones corrected him. “Fortunately for you.”

“Do you think I’m intelligent?” The question had left Jim’s mouth without permission, and it was worded in a way that he would’ve altered had he been given the chance. He knew he was intelligent. Bones knew he was intelligent. That was not where the problem dwelled.

Bones was frowning at him. “Of course I do.”

Jim shook his head. “That’s not what I meant.”

“What _did_ you mean?”

“Do you think I’m clever enough to be a captain? No, wait. Do you think I would be clever enough to be a doctor? No, wait-”

“Jim.”

“I don’t know what I’m saying.”

“Are you having one of those days?”

One of those days where he questioned everything about himself? Yeah.

“It was just a question.”

“So was mine.”

Jim poured himself another drink and downed it as Bones downed his first one, both of them placing the glasses back on the table at the same time. Bones considered him.

“Do you want to tell me where this all came from?”

Jim shrugged. “I spend all my days with a doctor and a Vulcan. Not to mention a whole lot of other people who excel in their fields. I know that’s literally the point of a crew, but-”

“It makes you overthink.”

“I guess. It’s been that type of day. Week, actually, but I couldn’t pinpoint why I was feeling like this until this morning.”

“You do know there’s a reason you’re the captain of this ship, right?”

“I do, but-”

“No buts, kid. You’re here because you deserve to be here and you’ve proved time and again that you deserve to be here.”

“You’re gonna make me blush, Bones.”

“Better than that forlorn expression you’re currently wearing.” Bones waved a hand between them. “Now refill my glass, will ya?”

They sat in silence for a while, both nursing their drinks rather than downing them. Jim could tell Bones was thinking, maybe about him and how he was supposed to comfort him, but he wasn’t certain, and he wasn’t going to ask. Truth be told he didn’t think anything could properly comfort him that night anyway.

“Have you ever wondered why Pike decided to believe in you?” Bones suddenly asked, pushing his glas around and leaving wet trails on the table.

Jim blinked. “Of course I have.”

“Have you ever come up with an answer?”

“He believed in me because of my father.”

“Wrong.”

Jim crossed his arms. “Elaborate.”

“You cannot rely on people’s relations in cases like this. In cases that could get you in trouble if it turns out that your intuition was entirely wrong. And besides, you never even got to meet your father.”

Jim liked that he was being blunt. “So what’s your verdict?”

“He believed in you because he could see something worth believing  _in_ when he looked at you.”

“That’s a load of bullshit.”

“Maybe. But I believe it’s the truth.” He raised his glass. “To Pike’s intuition.”

Jim barked out a laugh and raised his own. “To your honesty.”

“To your intelligence.”

They toasted. They drank.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on [tumblr](http://thesoundofnat.tumblr.com/)


End file.
